Living in the Space Between: When Staying in a Relationship Hurts and Leaving Feels Impossible

Part One: Relationship Limbo, Ambivalence, and the Meaning of Commitment

By Alena Neykova, LCSW | Austin, Texas

Clinical Couples Therapist & Director Union Station Therapy

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from being neither here nor there.

Perhaps you've just had another difficult argument with your partner.

You feel criticized, misunderstood, or simply unheard. You try to explain yourself, but your partner becomes defensive or shuts down. The conversation goes nowhere, and somehow you both end up feeling more alone than when it began.

And in that moment, somewhere between the hurt and the frustration, a thought appears.

Maybe we'd be better off apart.

Maybe I'd be happier on my own.

Maybe this relationship just isn't working.

You may not say it out loud. Perhaps it's only a fleeting thought, one that quietly passes through your mind before the intensity of the moment subsides.

Or perhaps you do say it.

In the heat of anger or disappointment, you threaten separation or divorce. You announce that you've had enough, that you can't keep doing this, that maybe it's time to call it quits.

And there it is.

You've entered the space between.

A space where you're not quite leaving, but you're no longer wholeheartedly staying, either.

Or perhaps the circumstances are considerably more painful.

An affair has been disclosed or discovered. The foundation of trust has been shaken, and suddenly the future you believed you were building together feels uncertain.

You may still love your partner. You may desperately want the relationship to survive. But you don't know whether you can trust them again, whether the hurt will ever subside, or whether the relationship can become something you genuinely want to remain in.

In circumstances like these, ambivalence isn't necessarily something we can or should resolve overnight.

Sometimes we need time. We need to understand what happened. We need to see whether our partner is willing to take responsibility, demonstrate consistency, and participate in meaningful repair.

We may tell ourselves that we'll make a decision once we see evidence that things can be different.

But here's where things become complicated.

Sometimes we're waiting for evidence of change before we're willing to commit to the very process that could make change possible.

We hesitate to invest because we're uncertain whether the relationship will improve. Yet without that investment, the relationship may never have the opportunity to improve.

And so we wait.

We remain guarded. We hold back emotionally. We observe from a distance, hoping that something will happen to make the decision obvious.

Meanwhile, our partner may be waiting for some indication that we're willing to try.

Both people become suspended in uncertainty, each looking for reassurance that the other may not yet be able to provide.

Of course, commitment cannot substitute for trustworthiness. After betrayal, the partner who violated trust must demonstrate accountability and meaningful behavioral change; the injured partner should not be expected to commit before feeling sufficiently safe.

But where both people genuinely want to explore repair, there is often a difficult truth to confront: we may have to participate in the process before we know whether it will succeed.

And this is one of the great paradoxes of relationship ambivalence.

We want certainty before commitment, yet sometimes commitment to the work is what allows us to discover whether a different future is possible.

The same dilemma can arise in less dramatic circumstances.

Perhaps you've talked about separation a dozen times. Maybe you've searched for couples therapists, read through a few websites, and even considered making an appointment. But somehow, you never quite follow through.

Or perhaps there's no imminent decision at all. You continue sharing a home, making dinner, planning vacations, and going about your lives. From the outside, everything looks reasonably intact.

Yet privately, something has shifted.

You are physically present in the relationship, but emotionally, you've begun standing at a distance. You're no longer entirely certain whether you're building a future together or simply passing time while you figure out whether there should be one.

Enter: the space between.

It's a place that can feel remarkably like quicksand.

And the cruel irony is that doing nothing doesn't necessarily feel any easier than making a decision.

When Every Direction Feels Like a Loss

We tend to imagine difficult decisions as a matter of weighing the pros and cons until one option becomes the obvious choice.

But intimate relationships rarely cooperate with such tidy logic.

Leaving might mean losing someone you love, dismantling a family, changing your financial circumstances, or letting go of the life you spent years imagining.

Staying might mean accepting unresolved disappointments, confronting painful realities, or risking another attempt at something that has already hurt you.

Even committing to couples therapy can feel overwhelming.

What if therapy forces a conversation you're not ready to have? What if your partner doesn't change? What if you discover you've been holding on to something that can no longer be repaired?

And perhaps most frightening of all: What if things actually could get better, but you've already begun preparing yourself to leave?

Sometimes the problem isn't that we don't know what we want.

It's that we want two things that seem impossible to have at the same time.

We want security and freedom. Familiarity and change. The comfort of what we know and the possibility of something different.

We want to protect ourselves from further disappointment while still hoping that the person we love might surprise us.

This is the psychological territory of ambivalence.

Relationship Ambivalence: One Foot In, One Foot Out

Research on romantic relationships suggests that ambivalence has consequences beyond our private thoughts.

In a 2021 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, Samantha Joel and colleagues investigated what happens when people feel torn between remaining in and leaving a relationship.

Across two daily-experience studies, participants experiencing greater stay-or-leave ambivalence showed more day-to-day fluctuations in commitment and thoughts about ending the relationship.

On more positive days, they felt more motivated to stay. On more negative days, they felt more motivated to leave.

This is a familiar experience for many couples.

A wonderful weekend can restore hope. A disappointing conversation on Monday can send us right back to questioning everything.

We lean toward the relationship when it feels good and mentally prepare our exit when it feels painful.

Over time, our willingness to invest can become dependent on the emotional weather of any particular day.

Research published in 2024 by Zoppolat and colleagues also found that relationship ambivalence was associated with both constructive and destructive responses. People experiencing greater ambivalence spent more time thinking about relationship difficulties, but also about ways to improve things.

They might seek closeness one day and withdraw the next.

Ambivalence, then, isn't necessarily evidence that we don't care. Sometimes we care enormously.

But caring and committing are not quite the same thing.

What Does It Actually Mean to Commit?

This brings us to one of the ideas I find particularly compelling in the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

We often think of commitment as a promise not to leave.

But their understanding goes considerably further.

Commitment, in the Gottman framework

Commitment is the belief, expressed through action, that this relationship with this particular person is a shared lifelong journey. It means choosing to work together when things become difficult rather than treating difficulty as a reason to continually reconsider the relationship. It involves deliberately cherishing our partner's positive qualities, cultivating gratitude for what we have, and resisting the tendency to magnify our partner's shortcomings by comparing them unfavorably with real or imagined alternatives.

What I find particularly striking about this definition is the emphasis on real or imagined alternatives.

Because so much of our relationship experience takes place in our minds.

We can spend years comparing our partner to someone who doesn't actually exist.

An imagined husband who is more attentive, more emotionally available, more successful, more affectionate, or somehow intuitively understands everything we need.

An imagined wife who is more appreciative, more passionate, more easygoing, or never seems disappointed.

Naturally, this imaginary person has the tremendous advantage of never having to live with us.

They don't leave dishes in the sink, misunderstand our intentions, become irritable after a difficult day, or arrive with their own insecurities and limitations.

They exist in a world where we have selectively edited out the inconveniences of being human.

And if we're not careful, we begin comparing a real, imperfect person to an imaginary, remarkably well-behaved alternative.

The operative word is imagined.

Our thoughts are not passive observations. The beliefs we repeatedly entertain can influence what we notice, how we interpret our partner's behavior, and how we subsequently respond.

If we're constantly collecting evidence of our partner's shortcomings, we may become increasingly blind to their strengths.

If we repeatedly imagine a better life elsewhere, the relationship in front of us may begin to feel inadequate before we've genuinely explored its possibilities.

On the other hand, intentionally remembering what we appreciate, acknowledging our partner's efforts, and cultivating gratitude can support a different emotional experience.

None of this means overlooking mistreatment or convincing ourselves to remain in a damaging relationship. Commitment must coexist with honesty, respect, safety, and mutual responsibility.

But it does invite an important question:

Are we evaluating our relationship fairly, or are we quietly cultivating the very dissatisfaction that makes commitment feel impossible?

Psychologist Caryl Rusbult's Investment Model provides additional insight. Her research identified relationship satisfaction, investments, and the perceived quality of alternatives as important influences on commitment.

An updated 2019 meta-analysis examining more than 50,000 participants across 202 independent samples found substantial associations between these factors and commitment.

The choices we perceive, the alternatives we imagine, and the value we place on what we've built matter.

Commitment is not merely about remaining physically present.

It is also about what we choose to cultivate in our minds.

And perhaps that is where commitment begins long before it is expressed through action.

Finding Solid Ground: How Marriage Counseling Can Help

If you're currently struggling with whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, perhaps you don't need to make the biggest decision today.

But you might need to make a decision in some direction. Perhaps:

To stop pretending things are fine when they aren't.

To communicate what you've been holding inside.

To explore whether the relationship can become something different.

To make an appointment with a therapist, even if you're uncertain what the outcome will be.

Or to acknowledge that you've been waiting for someone else, or some external circumstance, to make a decision that ultimately belongs to you.

This is where working with a good therapist can be enormously valuable.

Not because a therapist should tell you what to do. Quite the opposite.

A skilled couples therapist can help you sort through the murkiness, distinguish fear from intuition, recognize patterns of avoidance, and identify the values and needs that ought to inform your decisions.

They can help you understand why particular choices feel so threatening, explore the beliefs that may be keeping you stuck, and develop greater confidence in your ability to navigate difficult outcomes.

The goal is not to make the decision for you.

It is to help you develop the clarity, conviction, and self-trust to make a decision that is genuinely your own.

At Union Station Therapy, we offer several ways to explore these questions, recognizing that not everyone needs the same type of support.

Our individual relationship counseling focuses not only on your relationships with others but, importantly, on the relationship you have with yourself. We explore self-trust, attachment patterns, emotional needs, boundaries, values, and the ways your personal history may influence how you approach difficult decisions.

Our periodic group therapy programs offer opportunities to examine interpersonal patterns, develop emotional insight, learn from shared experiences, and practice new ways of responding to life's challenges.

And our marriage counseling and couples counseling services in Austin, Texas, provide a space for partners to examine their relationship together, work through difficult conversations, and explore the possibility of meaningful repair.

For couples seriously contemplating separation, a discernment-oriented approach may help clarify whether both partners are willing to pursue reconciliation and what meaningful repair would require.

Therapy doesn't have to begin with a promise that you'll remain together forever.

Sometimes it begins with an honest acknowledgment that you don't yet know.

But you want to understand.

You want to stop moving in circles.

And you're ready to begin doing something differently.

Remaining stuck is painful and there are alternatives when decisions feel overwhelming.

Union Station Therapy offers individual relationship counseling, periodic therapy groups, and marriage and couples counseling in Austin, Texas. Whether you're navigating relationship uncertainty, struggling with difficult decisions, or hoping to reconnect with yourself or your partner, we're here to help you find greater clarity and a meaningful path forward.

Research and Further Reading

• Joel, S., et al. (2021). One foot out the door: Stay/leave ambivalence predicts day-to-day fluctuations in commitment and intentions to end the relationship. European Journal of Social Psychology.

• Zoppolat, G., et al. (2024). It's complicated: The good and bad of ambivalence in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

• Tran, S., et al. (2019). Commitment in relationships: An updated meta-analysis of the Investment Model. Personal Relationships.

• Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. The Sound Relationship House framework, particularly the principle of commitment.